Edit: Thanks for 1 like. The following text was intended to be a tiny toot with tiny toot rules (lowercase, minimal punctuation) but once again turned into a novel. But I didn’t feel like converting it to serious rules (uppercase, maximal punctuation). Last time I did that, I missed multiple letters that were supposed to be uppercase. I hope nobody noticed that.
https://twitter.com/killdads/status/1443377693924409354
https://twitter.com/ehimezol/status/1443580374513115146
ive been thinking a lot about all of this since like 5 years, since i actively started self-reflecting because my body and mind reached a stage in hwhich, as they say, they could not more, and these threads sound very similar to whats going on in my mind. if ive interacted with you in any way i definitely have thought you must hate me, no exceptions. only now have i realised not only that thats of course wrong and that it hurts my ability to find and keep friends, but also that its incredibly mean to those people because i invalidate their genuine kindness towards me. im even more bad than even i had at first been imagining!
yokes aside (in both meanings), reading these made something click in my mind as well, as in i stopped moving and breathing for a second, opened my eyes widely and thought “oh!”.
i dont think people i interact with must hate me because theyre bad people. i just believe that im not worthy of joining arthur, king of the britons, and therefore i cant process positive things directed at me, theyre a paradox because its impossible that someone could do something positive towards me. i project the image i have of myself onto the image other people must have of me. and that makes me actually act that way. someone perceives me doing something (walking, eating, “drawing”, “playing the piano”, “famitracking”, typing, playing a video game, playing competitive overwatch, communicating with someone, using my voice, my face being visible, responding to comments, making comments, anything (mind the gap, i mean quotes)) -> im worried i might be doing it badly or could be making a stupid mistake at any moment and theyll notice and think badly of me -> im so worried and distracted and think so much about that possible thing that it actually happens. my worries turn into self-fulfilling prophecies, ever enforcing them. im worried someone could think im weird? all i can think about is being or not being weird, i start viewing myself as weird, my imagined hypothetical unreal self completely overwrites my real physical self and personality, i forget wo i actually am and i cant act the way i actually am anymore, i become what i fear most. at least i think i do.
i believe the reason for this is, among other things, that ive been conditioned to expect that kindness will always be taken back and turn into hate and denial of the permission to exist in the next moment, and that any hope of this endless cycle changing is in vain. so i apparently subconsciously dismiss any positivity towards me to save myself from the inevitable pain of it all being taken back. but the 20 good people i have allowed to get close to me, amarizo and my brother, are a bit of an exemption. im almost not at all worried they might hate me. but i still cant accept positivity from them, and this is the most difficult case because i know they actually mean it but i still cant process it. instead of telling myself they dont mean it or they wouldnt say that if they knew me better, my brain tries to completely ignore it. reading something like that makes me skim through the text as quickly as possible and then deletes it from my memory, as if i just witnessed a magic time travelling dragon from the galaxy of andromeda who can cancel the force of gravity and teleport and whose shape the human mind is not able to comprehend without going insane. it goes against everything ive learned to be real, it violates the laws of nature which i thought to be impossible. amarizo is not someone who throws compliments around, we just silently both know that we care about each other and enjoy each others company without ever expressing it verbally. that makes it easier. we help each other unconditionally and we know that we can rely on each other. i wish i could let more people get this close to me and also give more people the gift of having a friend like this. i still have no idea how my friendship with amarizo could have happened. its a mystery. a blessing.
originally, i wanted to put 1, 2 paragraphs here about my mum and how these issues and bad parenting have continually been passed on, to my knowledge at least since my maternal grandmother’s mother, but ive recently concluded that my venting about her to anyone other than my brother, especially publicly like this, is not at all nice and should stop. it invalidates the good things she did and makes her sound worse than she actually is, she doesnt deserve that, i think none of them, none of us, did anything out of ill will, we are all just caught within the barriers of our minds. i just want to break free from this cycle and move on. but its difficult to find the right spot between the memories of something ever happening getting repressed, her telling us nothing ever happened, and opening the volvo to release the things that did and do happen. edit: thanks for 2 likes. i just want to clarify that the first half of this paragraph doesnt mean that i think criticism or venting invalidates positive things and shouldnt be allowed. thats the opposite of what i believe, and its unfortunately something that my maternal grandfather believes. criticising family members is not allowed for any reason. i just mean that i feel bad for portraying a purely negative image that she doesnt deserve and i feel like i blame her treatment of me for all of my shortcomings. which may be partly true, but i of course dont know by how much, i just feel bad for… anyway, i wanted to move on (in both ways).
maybe, having realised, that, by thinking that you, yes, you, dear reader, looking at your screen at this very moment in time, must hate me, im doing you an injustice by assuming these bad things about you and by invalidating your kindness, helps me change my mindset, because being mean to someone is the absolute last thing i want to do, be it intentional or not. above, i said “i dont think people i interact with must hate me because theyre bad people. i just believe that im not worthy […]”. but as it was said in the tweets above, only evil people would do the things i assume others could think and do regarding me. so i guess i do indeed think that you, yes you, are a horrible person, a devilish villain utilising fiendish trickery like banana peels, a disgusting member of bidoof evil incorporated. and thats not even at all in line with my image of humanity which is generally a positive one, i believe in the good of everyone and that it is possible to make the world a better place. its just these fucking self doubts, excuse my french, madam. so, im sorry for thinking that youre a bad person. now i know and ill remember that this is what not letting go of my wrong views of myself leads to, not only negatively impacting myself but others as well.
insert boring conclusional phrase, i want to thank everyone who has ever interacted with me in any positive way, be it in what is generally known as the real life, a longstanding friend, an unknown passer-by greeting me with a smile, or be it on the interwebs, someone i regularly played games with over a long time or just a single time, people in chats; one-time, occasional and regular commenters; even “just” having given a like. i appreciate you very much and im sorry that i havent been able to fully grasp and accept the kindness you have shown me. thank you from the bottom of my heart :)
i also have to mention that i dont comment on peoples works enough. i know how much a comment means compared to a lifeless view number or like count. its not that i rarely comment because i dont care, its that im afraid of not coming across the way i intend to. if i have commented your work before, you should know that i enjoyed it so incredibly much that i conquered my fear for you and commented anyway to make you happy. yes, you! :)